Are they an Avoidant?

Understanding Attachment Styles

According to attachment theory, adults often fall into one of four styles:

• Secure

• Anxious (preoccupied)

• Dismissive-Avoidant

• Fearful-Avoidant

See more at Self: https://www.self.com/story/avoidant-attachment-style

The Avoidant attachment style—particularly dismissive-avoidant—is characterized by emotional distancing, discomfort with intimacy, self-reliance, and difficulty trusting others. In childhood, this style often develops when emotional needs were dismissed or not reliably met.

Attachment Project: https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/
Verywell Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-dismissive-avoidant-attachment-5218213
Health: https://www.health.com/insecure-attachment-style-8598067

Subtypes of Avoidant Attachment

1. Dismissive-Avoidant: Positive self-view, negative view of others; values independence, suppresses emotion, minimizes closeness.
   More info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

2. Fearful-Avoidant: High anxiety about relationships, conflicted—both desire and fear intimacy. These individuals may behave inconsistently, needing connection but pushing it away — a form of disorganized attachment.
   More info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

Why It May Look Like Narcissism

Avoidant behaviors—such as emotional detachment, self-protection, and appearing aloof—can be mistaken for narcissism. While not inherently narcissistic, these behaviors often stem from early survival strategies. That learned emotional avoidance may create superficial similarities.

Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist and author, explores these boundary behaviors and trauma-linked self-protection, noting that some avoidant patterns may resemble narcissistic traits—but they are rooted in protection, not entitlement.
See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Allen_Rosenberg

Communication Tips: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s

• Create emotional safety: Foster a non-threatening, relaxed environment for sharing.
  https://daniellesethi.com/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/
  https://mycoachmarta.com/journal/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidantly-attached-partner
  https://www.self.com/story/avoidant-attachment-style
  https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner

• Communicate clearly and directly: State what you need without expecting them to read between the lines.
  https://www.stephanierigg.com/blog/5-ways-to-support-an-avoidant-partner

• Use “I” statements: Example: “I feel uneasy when…” rather than “You never…”
  https://daniellesethi.com/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

• Allow space while staying available: Give them time, but make sure they know you’re still connected.
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7CsLNL7Ceg

• Practice active listening and validation: Hear what they say without judgment or interruption.
  https://mycoachmarta.com/journal/how-to-communicate-with-an-avoidantly-attached-partner

• Manage your own emotions first: Self-regulate before engaging to avoid reactive or blaming language.
  https://daniellesethi.com/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

• Be patient: Change takes time—this is a learned default, not a permanent trait.
  https://www.self.com/story/avoidant-attachment-style
  https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner

• Encourage professional support: Therapy, especially attachment-informed modalities, can be transformative.
  https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-dismissive-avoidant-attachment-5218213

Don’ts

• Don’t push for intimacy too quickly: Forcing emotional closeness will likely backfire.
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Avoid personalizing distance: It’s often about their internal regulation—not a reflection of how they feel about you.
  https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-deal-with-an-avoidant-friend-11705266
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Don’t criticize or label them: Focus on your experience rather than blaming. Example: “I feel unloved” vs. “You’re dismissive.”
  https://www.self.com/story/avoidant-attachment-style
  https://daniellesethi.com/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

• Don’t try to ‘fix’ them: Real change comes from within, with support—not pressure.
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Avoid forcing disclosure: Leaning into vulnerability too fast can trigger withdrawal.
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patricia_McKinsey_Crittenden

Hope and Moving Forward

• Attachment styles can change: With awareness, patience, and supportive relationships, avoidant styles can evolve toward more secure patterns.
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Therapy helps: Professionals trained in attachment-based therapies and modalities like EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) can guide change.
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Small steps matter: Nonverbal gestures—eye contact, kindness, shared space—can gradually build intimacy.
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

• Celebrate progress: Recognize even slight openings or attempts to connect—these signal growth.
  https://daniellesethi.com/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

• Self-awareness is key: Knowing your own boundaries, triggers, and needs allows healthier communication and reduces frustration.
  https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/
  https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-deal-with-an-avoidant-friend-11705266

YouTube Educators on Avoidant Communication

How to Help Your Avoidant Partner Open Up: Cracking the Code
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9XqpcFBrLU

How to Communicate With An Avoidant In A Way That Works
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0aPV4-eWkk

Psychology in Seattle — frequent deep-dives on attachment styles
https://www.youtube.com/@PsychologyInSeattle

Final Thoughts

Understanding if “they are an avoidant” is less about labeling, and more about recognizing patterns shaped by early experiences. It’s vital to balance empathy with self-respect—knowing when to engage, when to hold boundaries, and when to seek external help. Avoidant partners often protect themselves by distancing—but with patience, safety, and self-awareness, connection is both possible and healing.

Here are two videos that may help you to understand the Fearful (Anxious) Avoidant and the Dismissive Avoidant...

1) Dismissive Avoidant: https://youtu.be/j1RUwEY5u7Q?si=TGaRHznB9ZW-Kvv5

2) The Anxious Avoidant: https://youtu.be/mp9SHSr1tXk?si=fJ-djKkxTmqEdhWo

There is Hope! Please don't despair whether you or your love one has any of these avoidant tendencies. This can be 'learned behavior' as a way for the person to protect themselves, from wounds they might not have moved from during their youth. 

And this is how we stop generational trauma from continuing to the next generation.

By recognizing one's own wounds, one can start to heal from them.

Your responsibility is to heal thyself, not to attempt to change your partner in any way shape or form.  If you truly really love them, perhaps show and share this article with them - and learn how to communicate in short spurts so as to not overwhelm them, which triggers their vulnerable trigger wounds,  which just might have them pull away for a longer time. 

Patience will be required - but figuring out how to discuss pain points with your partner will help bridge the gaps of communication and intimacy both of you so want in your lives. 

Sending love, light and healing your way,

Leah